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Film Review

November 19, 2020 by tanya Leave a Comment

Instant Family-Reality or Fiction?- How our young people felt about the portrayal.

During lockdown our youth council has been discussing how adoption is portrayed in the media – in films, books and TV shows. How adoption is portrayed in the media is so important because it’s where the general public get most of their information from about adoption – unless they have a personal connection to adoption and as adoptees we feel we are best placed to challenge anything we think is misleading, confusing or potentially harmful. So we thought we’d review one of the most recent popular films ‘Instant family’

It is described as ‘Idealistic couple Ellie and Pete find themselves overwhelmed when they open up their home to foster teenager Lizzy and her two younger siblings, Juan and Lita. With the help of fellow foster parents and agency workers they learn to navigate the joys and pitfalls of parenting to become a modern family’. This gives it a rather rosy, light hearted feel and after all it is a comedy so there was only so far the film could go into what adoption can really look and feel like for those involved and this was something Adopteens members definitely picked up and commented as follows: ‘It didn’t show the real extent of what can happen in families and doesn’t show how hard it is for children and the sadness they can feel’. But the group felt it did manage to show that adoption can be ‘complicated and that children come with their own history and feelings around how important birth parents are to them, as well as how that differs between siblings’.

They also felt the film picked up on ‘how each sibling can feel their experiences differently and each character had their own way of showing this with Lizzy often being angry & defiant opposed to Juan who was highly anxious and scared (as well as very clumsy) a lot of the time’

We asked how they felt the professionals were portrayed in the film with one asking ‘are they really that honest with parents and straight to the point?’ They also felt in real life ‘social workers aren’t as funny (sorry social workers) and take things more seriously, they wouldn’t just shrug it off or laugh, they would do something about it’

When we discussed the adoption day scenes the group shared ‘how harmful they thought those days could be for parents and children, for example if people made instant connections and then those relationships couldn’t continue.’ There was also some huge concerns about safeguarding of the children so we talked about how the film didn’t portray the adoption days accurately, and that there is usually far more involvement from professionals, with safeguards in place and not in an open park, but still there no escaping the fact that it felt like ‘selling children’ . One member talked about how she was matched with her parents in contrast to the film

‘My parents were offered a magazine called ‘Be My Parent’ which had loads of pictures and captions about various children all looking for a family. However, they felt this was too pick and choose and really disliked the idea of playing God. Instead their social worker said ‘I have a child in mind for you’ and showed them a basic file about me. This was partly down to my parents having a really good bond with their social worker, so over a few weeks she could think what child may be a good match with them. This has always seemed such a nicer way to match and more personal, however it relies on that connection and time with the social worker to make the link.’

We asked the group members what resonated with them the most about the film and they responded with a wide range of answers:

‘That the parents are trying so hard not to get it wrong that they get it wrong because they are  overthinking it’

‘How the grandparents judged the parents for wanting to adopt at first and then they inspired others to adopt’

‘The importance of keeping that sibling connection. How it is their identity and the only thing that isn’t lost as they go through the care system because they still have each other’

‘When the little girl was screaming in the shop and came out with doll,  parents trying so hard not to give in to the behaviour ’

‘The hairbrush scene, when the parent thought they had done something lovely and couldn’t understand why she had thrown it in the toilet’

Overall it wasn’t just a film about adoption. The group felt that lots of families that are made up in many different ways such as families with step children, or those where grandparents or other family members are guardians/ parents, or those born via surrogacy or donor could also relate to the film. “Not because your adopted, but because it is showing how different families come together, and about how people work together through their differences’

It ultimately ‘Showed how hard it can be to be human, that doing really hard things and commit to doing something is not easy and it was positive that they showed the reality of how, at times, we want to run away, but that more often than not we stick with it’. And they are really glad they stuck with it because they all agreed it definitely wouldn’t have been a comedy if they hadn’t!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Adoptees, Film review, News, Youth Council

Adopteens – How we reshaped during lockdown

August 27, 2020 by tanya Leave a Comment

In many ways I can’t believe it’s been 5 months since the lock down started, but in others it feels like an eternity. I’m sure that feeling resonates for many. The way we’ve been able to work with people has changed dramatically and our project like many of the other service across PAC-UK has had to adapt so we can continue to support and engage with our young people.

Here are some of the ways we’ve done that.

 Adopteens Lockdown Pack

At the very beginning we wanted to make sure people felt that we hadn’t forgotten about them, we were conscious of people feeling isolated and disconnected so we wanted to try and help people feel held in mind; we also we wanted to send a little joy. So we put together our lockdown packs.

We successfully sent out 115 packs to young people who were signed up to our project.  We have thought about sending packs out to new members after lockdown and possibly doing annual mail outs to all members as a way of reminding members what our service has to offer.  For many families receiving the pack it has encouraged them to re-engage with our service. 

The packs were greatly received by young people and parents alike.  This is some of the feedback received –

“I just wanted to say thanks a million for the mailing. It injected a bit of excitement and interest into our Saturday and beyond. The boys have started working on their Covid 19 time capsules and seem to be quite into it!”

“Thanks for the activity pack. ***** and I enjoyed looking through it and he really enjoyed getting the post. We talked through the time capsule sheets which prompted a good conversation.”

“Thanks for the tea bags for **** and I, we are just about to have a cuppa, and thanks for the activity packs.”

“L  really enjoyed the activity pack. He took it up with him at bed time and......well in his words "it was really good"  so thank you. The children haven’t burnt any energy during the day, so getting to sleep is hard. Your pack kept L occupied for a while.”

Adopteens chat

We’ve had an online chat forum for a long time, but our struggle has been to get people using it consistently and be online at the same time, so we’ve introduced 'Adopteens Chat' every Wednesday evening from 7pm - 8.30pm. It's for all members who have signed up to use the online chat forum and supported by two project workers. Its aim is to bring members on line at the same time each week to develop friendships. We have also secured funding to employ an Adoptee mentor who is an adopted adult and will run the chat with us… watch this space!

Activity Days 

Our activity days thrive on face to face interaction, it’s been a huge loss to us, however we haven’t given in and we’ve instead delivered activities via Zoom. We've held 3 x online activity days (2 x scavenger hunts and a drawing game) which have got people moving, dressing up & being creative with some hilarious moments.

Following the success of these we have decided to continue to do activity meetings on a regular basis,  We are always trying to think of new ideas and we've thought about an online baking competition and online Karaoke for those of you who love a sing along. Singing has loads of mental health benefits apparently so it’s a win win.

Youth Council plans

We will continue with Youth council meetings online via Zoom – following the success of previous meetings we feel this is a great way of keeping in touch with and hearing the voice of our members. We also run a WhatsApp group for Youth Council members which is supported by the Adopteen Project workers, this again is running well and the young people are finding it a good way to access support from each other and workers.

We’ve talked about all sorts in our Youth Council meetings from the impact of COVID, loneliness, online safety, mental health, black lives matters, and adoption in the mainstream media. And of course  how much we miss face to face meetings!

Its not been an easy transition, but out of the struggle has come leanring and positives which we can continue to apply- we are certainly thinking about how we can use remote working to stay in touch with our members between face to face meetings and how we can link up with other adoption groups across Yorkshire and beyond!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Adopteens, lockdown

Wondering & Not Knowing; a way of life

August 27, 2020 by tanya Leave a Comment

Covid-19 is a time that most people are missing out on all kinds of experiences and opportunities, not spending time with important people in their lives and the uncertainty of not being in the know, wondering when they will next be able to see certain people or what could happen to someone in the time they are apart. As of course time doesn’t stop, and lives carry on in so many ways.  For the majority of people this is a new way of life and one they never could imagine happening. However, for me as an adoptee this is nothing new and has been part of my life as long as I can remember. So, people may now be able to  better see the world the way the majority of adoptees do. Yes, it’s been more amplified due to higher risk and not knowing when it will end however it feels I have been trained for this and preparing.  

I have experienced years of being away from my birth family especially from two of my birth grandparents, my birth mum and my sisters. Often thinking about what they are like and having many questions about their life, sometimes just little things, that others know like hobbies or recent holidays. The thinking of what might happen before I get to know them properly and meet them in person. Nothing can compare to sitting with someone chatting to them and seeing their facial expressions; these can be so important. Wondering if I will ever see them again as there has been an experience for me where I found out my grandad had gone. I hadn’t ever properly met him as I was too young when I was put in care, so I never got to tell him I loved him back or the fact I am doing alright.

This whole experience of being in the dark with only certain information and getting to really know those I hold close can be worrying and scary as it doesn’t always feel there is a simple way to find some light on it. It can be saddening facing the reality you may miss this chance completely due to restrictions that are out of your control. It’s a worry too as I can’t see into the future and can think of many things that may happen. For ages I wondered if all my grandparents were still alive as I know time is especially fragile for them. Even through this lockdown I don’t know what the situation is going to be like after as they do have health issues. It’s saddening knowing the little time after so long of being apart for nearly twelve years left with them is being taken away even more and I may never get all the memories or chances that could have been. It feels unfair as not everyone has to go through this. I have just got to wait and hope at the end of the day and try put that worry away. Thinking of what I would like to say or do when I see them. There is still a lot unknown about my story and my birth family. I was getting near to finding some of it out over the next few months with reading of my files and having more contact however this was mainly postponed due to everything going on, so I will have to wait even longer and think about what I may find out. It felt good that I was nearer to connecting the pieces of my life puzzle as it helped settle my mind and I could understand everything a bit clearer. It can be tough however I remember at least I am in stronger contact then I was before and I made some memories already with my birth family.

It is manageable though and can become easier in some ways over time, as you learn for it to become a way of life. I thankfully have always had some form of contact with two of my grandparents even if it’s very little. The yearly letter was so important to receive as it gave me basic updates on what they had been up to over the last year. The fact they were so key for me and any other important news on the rest of the family. It didn’t feel like I was so much in the dark about the rest of the family either. It helped with some of the worrying about them and I wondered less in some ways. Be thankful for any form of contact you have for example letters or phone calls and make the most out of them. Cherish them as they are things you can look back on as a kind of memory and moment experienced. It is better than having no contact at all and I always felt grateful that I had something. I knew eventually I would have more and looked forward to when that moment would come. Helps give a greater appreciation of being able to hug someone or see them face to face. The wondering over the years, not being able to see my birth family taught me a lot. It definitely was a good time to think and reflect looking back.  It really helped with getting to know what family means and the fact you can still have a relationship without even seeing them or having much contact. There probably will always be questions of things that don’t make sense or what ifs, but I feel so thankful for the way things have turned out.  As I said before it’s my way of life, so I don’t mind.

Tiegan Boyens – Young Adoptee

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Virtual me is not the whole me!

April 16, 2020 by tanya Leave a Comment

Our teens share their advice on how they manage social media!

Use different user names for different social media accounts

Think about other people’s friends (friends of friends) because your birth family may be able to connect via them to your account

Profile picture - try using one that doesn’t have your face in, but something that you love or symbolises you.

Do not add people you don’t know. Ask yourself why they are contacting you? Quality of friends over quantity.

Think before sending pictures to people you do not know – the attention might feel nice, but people might not respond the way you want and you can’t ask for the picture back!!

Seek support before searching for birth family – a trusted adult, someone else who is adopted, or a social worker who can help you think about how safe it is as well as your hopes and fears.

STOP and think before sending instant messages – w wall say thinks in the heat of the moment, but it’s easier when you’re not face to face with someone – once your message is out there, you can’t undo it.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Post adoption contact: A Teenagers experience

August 9, 2019 by tanya Leave a Comment

I know I have been very lucky with the contact I have had after I was adopted as I t has been super open, however I know this isn't the case for everyone. My mums have always thought it has been best for me to know everything they know about my story and my life, and it never crossed their mind to keep it hidden. They have always seen the letters as my letters, not theirs, and my way to keep in touch with family.

Its been helpful for me as I have known the basics of what happened to me and never felt disconnected from my birth family because letterbox kept me up to date with their life. I know they still love me, and have never stopped loving me, which has always meant a lot.

Also its been helpful for my birth family who have been able to see I am doing okay and they have been able to keep up with me and my life. As I grow up and hit milestones, they dont miss out on them as much as they might have done if there was not contact. This has been vital when I met my grandparents, as it felt like we had only seen each other the week before, all because we had only written one letter each year in October. The same with my mum, who before meeting her there had only been two letters from her, yet it felt like we had never been apart.

The fact my letter box social worker has always been open and willing to look into anything has been very helpful. If me and my mums had queries about anything she would respond quickly with the best answer possible and allowing us to arrange a meeting with my mum. They also tried to make it as easy as possible with the potential future meeting of my older sister by offering to meet with her beforehand, so she felt more reassured and comfortable.

Keeping in touch with other people from my life before adoption has been good. I am still in close contact with my foster parents as they are so important to me and like parents. They were there in such a key parts of my life, so great memories are not lost. We text sometimes to see how each other are and try and meet often, despite recent health issues. Also as a family we have kept in touch with my original social worker who was also the match maker, which has been great with the stories she has, and a great connection to have.

Overall to me it just feels like a massive family made up of lots of different parts and a lot of love. There are so many memories that still finding out about and will carry on finding about for a long time. I am thankful that it has always been open and up to me, that way it goes within reason.

T - Age 17

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Judges, interviews and a trip to Westminster

June 14, 2019 by tanya Leave a Comment

Image by Ana Gic from Pixabay

A busy spring for the Adopteens. In early May we attended the Family Justice Board conference on ‘Adoption in The modern world’ with Lord Justice Cobb, Julie Young from university of East Anglia and Mark Owers from Adoption Leadership board. Here we showcased our timeline and two young people talked about their Adoptions with emphasis on contact. In particular how support from their adoptive parents, social workers and others has made a huge difference to them in terms of identity; understanding and accepting their life story, having unanswered questions   and their satisfaction with their relationships with birth family members. Judges, Barristers and others who work in the family courts were very grateful to our young people for giving them lots to reflect on especially when thinking about how well thought out and supported contact can have such a meaningful impact on families.

Shortly after this Adopteens attended the All Party Parliamentary Group at Westminster where a young person joined the panel to share their families experiences of the Adoption support fund, the therapy & support they have received and give the reality of what difference it has made. A more positive advocate would be hard to find for the impact is almost visible in how eloquently they spoke. In addition the panel were keen to hear about school experiences & other areas that the young person felt could be improved. Feedback was exceptional and we are now waiting to hear what next! 

And to end May, two members of Adopteens sat on a One Adoption interview panel for the recruitment of a service level manager, where they devised their own questions and had a impact on the final appointment. They certainly made the candidates work hard, if not sweat a little. 

Filed Under: Uncategorized

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