Uncategorized

In this month's PAC-UK guest blog Tanya Killick shares a 'behind the scenes' account of our 'Adopted for life' filming day with our Adopteens Service. We premiered 'Adopted for life' at our 'Voices of adopted people: Messages for change' event that took place on Monday 18 October 2021 during National Adoption Week. The event was a huge success, with over 200 people attending - this is the first time the film has been shared publicly. A huge thank you from all at PAC-UK to our incredible Adopteens for sharing their stories.[closeintro]

Sat at the twinkly bar, in the Queens Hotel Leeds, with an untouched celebratory drink in hand, we breathed a collective sigh that can only come from the knowledge that you have just witnessed something incredibly special.

‘I have waited for this day for the last 6 years’ I said. ‘There is enough content to make an entire documentary let alone a 10 minute film’

Brad, our extremely talented film maker who the previous week had been working with the likes of Selina Gomez and Jamie Oliver, had a very tricky editing job on his hands. We bid farewell and wished him good luck, secretly all relieved that we didn’t have that responsibility on our shoulders. What would you cut out? How could you decide what stayed and what didn’t make the film? It was all so on point, all so honest and ALL so important for people to hear.

5 young adults invited to come tell us parts of their story and share what messages for change they wanted to give back to the sector. 5 young adults all with different beginnings and all with different experiences, some we knew well and some we had never met before. We had no idea how the day would go; would people turn up, would they be ok with the camera, the questions, had we prepared everyone enough?

Despite all these worries though, we knew we were in a safe pair of hands and that we needed to trust the process; and it didn’t take long for us to realise that our fears were baseless, because as each person turned up the group grew louder, more laughter flowed and as workers we just kept giving each other that knowing look when you know you’ve hit on something special because it was absolutely effortless.

Each person had an interview where Brad settled them in front of the camera, made them laugh, learnt what they ate (or didn’t eat) for breakfast, twiddled with the lighting for the umpteenth time and then started asking the important stuff. We sat in on each interview for support and prompt if needed, but it wasn’t needed. Each person took each question rolled it around their mouth and spat the answer right out. Almost as if they had been waiting a long time to be asked those questions.

Brad shared his unique position as filmmaker, explaining that often people rarely get to talk uninterrupted and genuinely feel heard, but the camera is the ultimate ear and Brad does not interrupt. He knows he can only use a small amount of what each person says, but that isn’t the point, and the person being interviewed also knows that. I was in awe of their ability to express themselves and be such story tellers.

It was different to the film ‘Voices’ we made 5 years ago with our teenage Adopteens members. There was more freedom with what they were saying, mixed with more self belief and a maturity that comes with being a young 20 something with a little more weight of responsibility on your shoulders.

I don’t think the two films are comparable because they each tell the story at a point in time in the lives of those individuals who shared their stories, and each film has a different purpose. They are however beautifully complementary. “Adopted for Life’ is the perfect sequel to ‘Voices’ and I very much hope the series doesn’t end there.

What has been created within both of these films, Voices and Adopted for Life is the very essence of what it means to be adopted from those affected. It is honest, raw and beautifully impactful. These are the voices of a generation who are passionate and resolute in their desire for things to change and their messages are clear.

So it is over to those who make the changes. The policy makers, social care leaders and social workers, teachers and health professionals we urge you to sit up and listen and allow these voices and experiences to influence what you do, how you do it and why you do it and we look forward to seeing what this looks like.

PAC-UK presents: Adopted for life

Tanya Killick | October 2021

---

Please note, all content published on this page is provided by our guest blogger/s, based on their real-life experiences. We invite you to discuss this blog via PAC-UK's Twitter profile and ask you to tag @PACUKadoption in to your posts and use the hashtag #PacukBlog

This blog is the eighteenth of our regular 'guest blogger' platform which we started in 2019. We would love to hear from adoptees, birth parents (and relatives), adoptive parents/carers, special guardians and professionals who are interested in taking part in future blogs. If this interests you please email leon@pac-uk.org.

Covid-19 is a time that most people are missing out on all kinds of experiences and opportunities, not spending time with important people in their lives and the uncertainty of not being in the know, wondering when they will next be able to see certain people or what could happen to someone in the time they are apart. As of course time doesn’t stop, and lives carry on in so many ways.  For the majority of people this is a new way of life and one they never could imagine happening. However, for me as an adoptee this is nothing new and has been part of my life as long as I can remember. So, people may now be able to  better see the world the way the majority of adoptees do. Yes, it’s been more amplified due to higher risk and not knowing when it will end however it feels I have been trained for this and preparing.  

I have experienced years of being away from my birth family especially from two of my birth grandparents, my birth mum and my sisters. Often thinking about what they are like and having many questions about their life, sometimes just little things, that others know like hobbies or recent holidays. The thinking of what might happen before I get to know them properly and meet them in person. Nothing can compare to sitting with someone chatting to them and seeing their facial expressions; these can be so important. Wondering if I will ever see them again as there has been an experience for me where I found out my grandad had gone. I hadn’t ever properly met him as I was too young when I was put in care, so I never got to tell him I loved him back or the fact I am doing alright.

This whole experience of being in the dark with only certain information and getting to really know those I hold close can be worrying and scary as it doesn’t always feel there is a simple way to find some light on it. It can be saddening facing the reality you may miss this chance completely due to restrictions that are out of your control. It’s a worry too as I can’t see into the future and can think of many things that may happen. For ages I wondered if all my grandparents were still alive as I know time is especially fragile for them. Even through this lockdown I don’t know what the situation is going to be like after as they do have health issues. It’s saddening knowing the little time after so long of being apart for nearly twelve years left with them is being taken away even more and I may never get all the memories or chances that could have been. It feels unfair as not everyone has to go through this. I have just got to wait and hope at the end of the day and try put that worry away. Thinking of what I would like to say or do when I see them. There is still a lot unknown about my story and my birth family. I was getting near to finding some of it out over the next few months with reading of my files and having more contact however this was mainly postponed due to everything going on, so I will have to wait even longer and think about what I may find out. It felt good that I was nearer to connecting the pieces of my life puzzle as it helped settle my mind and I could understand everything a bit clearer. It can be tough however I remember at least I am in stronger contact then I was before and I made some memories already with my birth family.

It is manageable though and can become easier in some ways over time, as you learn for it to become a way of life. I thankfully have always had some form of contact with two of my grandparents even if it’s very little. The yearly letter was so important to receive as it gave me basic updates on what they had been up to over the last year. The fact they were so key for me and any other important news on the rest of the family. It didn’t feel like I was so much in the dark about the rest of the family either. It helped with some of the worrying about them and I wondered less in some ways. Be thankful for any form of contact you have for example letters or phone calls and make the most out of them. Cherish them as they are things you can look back on as a kind of memory and moment experienced. It is better than having no contact at all and I always felt grateful that I had something. I knew eventually I would have more and looked forward to when that moment would come. Helps give a greater appreciation of being able to hug someone or see them face to face. The wondering over the years, not being able to see my birth family taught me a lot. It definitely was a good time to think and reflect looking back.  It really helped with getting to know what family means and the fact you can still have a relationship without even seeing them or having much contact. There probably will always be questions of things that don’t make sense or what ifs, but I feel so thankful for the way things have turned out.  As I said before it’s my way of life, so I don’t mind.

Tiegan Boyens – Young Adoptee

Our teens share their advice on how they manage social media!

Use different user names for different social media accounts

Think about other people’s friends (friends of friends) because your birth family may be able to connect via them to your account

Profile picture - try using one that doesn’t have your face in, but something that you love or symbolises you.

Do not add people you don’t know. Ask yourself why they are contacting you? Quality of friends over quantity.

Think before sending pictures to people you do not know – the attention might feel nice, but people might not respond the way you want and you can’t ask for the picture back!!

Seek support before searching for birth family – a trusted adult, someone else who is adopted, or a social worker who can help you think about how safe it is as well as your hopes and fears.

STOP and think before sending instant messages – w wall say thinks in the heat of the moment, but it’s easier when you’re not face to face with someone – once your message is out there, you can’t undo it.

• 

I know I have been very lucky with the contact I have had after I was adopted as I t has been super open, however I know this isn't the case for everyone. My mums have always thought it has been best for me to know everything they know about my story and my life, and it never crossed their mind to keep it hidden. They have always seen the letters as my letters, not theirs, and my way to keep in touch with family.

Its been helpful for me as I have known the basics of what happened to me and never felt disconnected from my birth family because letterbox kept me up to date with their life. I know they still love me, and have never stopped loving me, which has always meant a lot.

Also its been helpful for my birth family who have been able to see I am doing okay and they have been able to keep up with me and my life. As I grow up and hit milestones, they dont miss out on them as much as they might have done if there was not contact. This has been vital when I met my grandparents, as it felt like we had only seen each other the week before, all because we had only written one letter each year in October. The same with my mum, who before meeting her there had only been two letters from her, yet it felt like we had never been apart.

The fact my letter box social worker has always been open and willing to look into anything has been very helpful. If me and my mums had queries about anything she would respond quickly with the best answer possible and allowing us to arrange a meeting with my mum. They also tried to make it as easy as possible with the potential future meeting of my older sister by offering to meet with her beforehand, so she felt more reassured and comfortable.

Keeping in touch with other people from my life before adoption has been good. I am still in close contact with my foster parents as they are so important to me and like parents. They were there in such a key parts of my life, so great memories are not lost. We text sometimes to see how each other are and try and meet often, despite recent health issues. Also as a family we have kept in touch with my original social worker who was also the match maker, which has been great with the stories she has, and a great connection to have.

Overall to me it just feels like a massive family made up of lots of different parts and a lot of love. There are so many memories that still finding out about and will carry on finding about for a long time. I am thankful that it has always been open and up to me, that way it goes within reason.

T - Age 17